It has been 126 days since I have used my voice out loud, with the exception of a few words, I have been told that it should come back
In the silence of my mind as I am often left alone I have found myself pondering on what has created my mind to disconnect and to choose my voice to lack
If you know me I love to talk and to sing, so my voice has always been something I have valued, but I reflect on the months leading up to that day and I think I found the discrepancy
I had been through a rough time since the year before, in situations I never dreamt I would be in, I remember not feeling like myself so I tried to find a remedy
I reached out because the darkness was vast and I knew if this place lingered it would be detrimental to my health so I did something outside my nature, I asked for help
I had a great advocate who in her best capacity tried to help me find solution but sadly despite my pleas and efforts to articulate myself to mental health specifically, I was constantly left
I remember the defeat, the nights I cried alone in my bed scared, praying for relief and that someone would see me, hear me and maybe then I would be given help
I wont go through the in between details but eventually I was at a hospital and I had lost my speech, I think of how I continued to feel unheard there and the nights with the same cry I continued to spend
It is hard, I felt like I was put in a labelled box, constantly misunderstood and misjudged, how I wish they could have given me time or opened their perspectives to hear my story
It is hard to look back and think of how I tried so hard and yet was never given opportunity, it's painful to see the light they have placed me in for it doesn't feel like me and it has caused others to also treat me poorly
Most days are filled with frustration as I try my hardest to be heard and understood, I find myself often thinking what's the point in trying anymore when no one hears my words
And this is my revelation, what if being brave finally and advocating for myself only got me silenced and this is why I am currently mute, I contemplate how I can direct my narrative to finally be heard
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