Sometimes I imagine myself telling my babies I love them, or grabbing my guitar and singing to bring my soul relief.
Or sitting at the bottom of the shower and letting hot water run down as I gasp in the steam and remember the reasons to breathe.
I sometimes dream I am in my car, with the music at full volume and on a highway letting myself completely go.
Or sinking my feet into the sand and letting the tide come up to my knees, reassuring me that peace is here and is known.
Impulsively deciding to get up and go on an adventure with no itinerary, just the ambition to explore something new.
Because this is the life I always had and fear, I took it all for granted and how I wished back then what life would be like now. Oh, I wish I knew.
Now I have memories and wishes of things that I wish I appreciated more. It's a new grief when you are faced with restrictions that you didn't choose.
Every day the simple is a mission, and it is hard to be thankful for the present when you see your past and what you've had to lose.
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